Sunday, January 16, 2011

Cold and Broken Hallelujah

I have decided to study art, and am making art school in Europe a priority. Preferably Italy or France. I love art, it shows everything about humanity that is beautiful, unique, and worth saving, and at the same time exposing every reason to hate and destroy it. It gives snapshot of the culture, and of humanity as a whole. Love, sex, death, life, violence, peace, all of it can be found in art. The ancient Greeks viewed humanity as beautiful because we are all doomed, and art provides a tiny little glimpse of these beautiful moments, a look through the eyes of the Olympian gods.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Kill With Kindness

New tactic. Ignore him, befriend her.

Using again. I feel wonderful but awful sober. I hate letting him down.

My goat died. She was the love of my life, I raised her from the minute she was born. But right now I can't talk more about that...

Sunday, November 7, 2010

OMG Facebook!!!!1!!!

Dear Insecure Girlfriend of My Best Friend,

Just because you think I'm posting only pictures of your boyfriend does not mean it is true. Unlike you, I am smart enough to change my profile and picture settings so that only my friends may view them. Consequently, you cannot see the multitude of other pictures I have also uploaded, and if I wanted you to be able to see them, I would've accepted your friend request. The only reason you can even see those pictures is because he's a mutual friend.

So please stop adding pictures of you and him kissing. It's gross, immature, and an invasion of his privacy. If you knew him as well as you say you'd know that he hates his personal life dragged out in front of everyone, and that counts. If your relationship was as wonderful as you say it is, then you wouldn't feel the need to display all your intimate moments in addition to endlessly gushing and revealing private details on your home page, which as I mentioned before is completely public.

While he may play dumb, I know its too much of a coincidence that every time I put up a new picture of him, you try to double it. Stop being an insecure little bitch, or at least own up to it. He may be buying your super shy, innocent act, but I'm not.

Also, please stop talking about how you're there for him through his trials, and how you cried when the puppy died. I've been next to him through everything with his family, and I nursed that puppy for 6 hours, with almost no breaks, to try and give it a fighting chance. You never even met her. In addition, stop talking shit to mutual friends, they all like me better than you and you're just making yourself look bad.

Forgive the passive-aggressive nature of this letter, and if you take anything away from it, let it be this.

Go. Fuck. Yourself. Because God knows no one else wants to.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Here We Go Again

I keep trying to get away from him, but things keep happening... His dad's hospitalization, my grandmother's deterioration, and now my mom failed to pay my tuition so I'm dropped from classes. I have nothing to do really without his XBox during the week. Maybe work out and try to find a third job. But still. Not a lot going on if I take him out...

Monday, October 18, 2010

Amazing that we got this far.

What do I want from life?

I want to truly live, not just survive day to day. I want to travel to Spain, Italy, Ireland, England, Russia, Afghanistan, Egypt, Amsterdam, Congo, Bolivia, Peru, India, Australia, to name a few. I want to help build schools and women's health clinics. I want to try to help stop poachers. I want to live in a foreign country with my lover, painting and drawing. I want a bohemian life. I want to find true love.

What do I want to be?

I want to be free. I want to be confident. I want to be sexy. I want to be happy. I want to be caring, gracious, likable. I want to be an artist. I want to be a good mother, someday.

I want this life either way. It would be made amazing by him being in it, but made no worse by him not being there.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

It's no surprised that I got lost in your brown eyes

So we've gone from practically living together, to actually living together. This is so unbelievably weird. I'm so confused. It's been amazing. We just meshed together... But I think today I'm going to drag him off to the beach. Get away from his mom for a little bit. I'm staying in his guest room while his dad is away, and trying to help him and his mom out. I feel like that missing element has returned, or is trying to.

The amazing thing is I am getting my shit together staying here. I'm attending class, doing homework, getting to bed at reasonable times, waking up before noon, not smoking (cigarettes) or drinking or snorting or any of that, and I'm so fucking relaxed!! It's kinda weird. But I don't hate it. I love what he does for me..


Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Russian Roulette is not the Same without a Gun

I don't even know any more. Between my mom, finances, school, and my personal life? Just trying to make it day to day..

Things are so... Complicated? Unchanged? I don't know. It's like he wants all of me, then I'm not sure, I guess I get too close or he realizes something or I don't know. His girlfriend is so wrong for him. She hates all drugs, thinks he's going to OD on meth or something, and bitches about all their private issues on his/her Facebook walls, in front of all their friends and family. She's a stupid little girl, and doesn't deserve him. But he's giving her another shot, he still loves her. He's even visiting her this weekend, left tonight... And of course I can't stop crying. We've basically been living together for 3 weeks, so this kinda tears me up. I learned to crochet so that I can custom make him a couple of beanies, and I'm drawing his birthday card already. There's a manic part of my brain that keeps saying "If you do this perfectly, he'll love you." Stupid I know. But goddamn... Despite this crap he makes me so unbelievably happy. I can truly be myself around him, I don't have to censor myself at all. Yet at the same time he makes me want to be a better person.

I need money. Not a lot to it other than that. I'm trying to find a third job, but damnit I hate being poor. My bitch of a mother refuses to help out with my schooling because its "not a real degree if it's from a community college." Fucking cunt. Then she freaks out when I don't text, call, or visit. Whenever I'm not sleeping I'm fucking working so I can afford to go to fucking school. But oooohhhhh no. That's not fucking good enough for her. I MUST be ignoring her. Which is also true. Why? Bitch fucking asked him if he had "done (her) daughter behind the high school", unprovoked, at a family dinner. What. The. Fuck.