The other night I relapsed into an old addiction. I was fighting with my closest friend and no one was there to comfort me. I was literally all alone, and felt like everything was bearing down upon me. I took some hydrocodone but the high did little to dispel the feelings of being completely alone. So I did something I hadn’t done in years.I went into my medicine cabinet and pulled out an unused razor head. I stripped out the blades, and with surprisingly steady hands I pressed the cool edge into the skin on my leg. I could feel the tearing, and it was fantastic. I felt a rush and then… nothing. No more pain, no more misery. It was as though my emotional slate had been wiped clean, I looked down at the blood now pouring out of the fresh red lines on my thigh and felt a sense of peace. The rivulets of blood held my attention for a while as I basked in the complete lack of feeling, positive or negative.
And then… he texted me. The feeling of peace was gone, and the world came roaring back with a vengeance.
But as much as we can rub each other the wrong way, I need him. Sometimes it even seems like he needs me.
It's not just him either. He's actually a great friend, but I'm completely in love with him and sometimes that creates issues between us. It's everything else that's pressing down on me. My failure at school, my complete lack of a romantic life, my very few friends, complete uncertainty with my life, the ever-present desire to try heroin or to get trashed, and my awful relationship with my parents are what weigh on me most. Usually, he's the only thing that keeps me sane.
I want to escape. I want out. I want to run and never look back.