Goddamnit...

So in the past couple days:
-Almost ODed
-Found out on of my friends from hockey is missing and presumed dead off the Oregon coast
-Have to go to a deposition against a very frightening man and his experienced attorney, alone
-Verbally duking it out with my idiot mother over how much money I owe her
-Snapped at by "him" when calling for help
-Completely fucking broke, as in paying for gas with coins
-Haven't slept more than 4 hours continuously
-Probable strep throat

Hey, Life? Yeah, fuck you too.

I Try to Live Without You, Everytime I Do I Feel Dead

I'm taking a break from him, and falling back into an old habit. Snorting Percocet is delicious. I love how the bitter taste fades into almost a sickly sweet taste. My pupils are tiny and I feel delightfully numb to the fact that as I type this, he's with the one he truly loves and will probably marry. I have 30 mg of oxycodone/1950 mg of acetaminophen that I can snort, swallow, or parachute over the next couple of days. Sober, I feel physically sick that on this of all weekends they're together, and that while he's my best friend I can't be happy for him. That's part of the reason I don't want to talk to him for a while. He deserves a best friend who could actually go to his wedding, and be happy for him when a relationship succeeds, rather than when it fails. I'm a horrible person for wishing that... Unbelievably selfish...

Why this weekend? Because 5 years ago tomorrow was when he told me he wanted to be with me forever. Now, it just serves as a constant reminder of how much I fucked everything up. How I treated him so horribly, when he was already trying to deal with his grandfather's death, that he can never feel that way about me again. Why would he want to? I'm a horrible, selfish person. I'd rather he be with me than be happy with someone else. I've been trying to improve myself for him, and just in general, but now I think he's better off without me, rather than the other way around. I mean, I slept with someone he hated just to try to hurt him. I flaunt my drug use, smoking, and excessive drinking to try to get his attention. Then when I don't get it, I get angry at him. I mean, goddamn... I wouldn't want to be with me either. She seems so much better for him... And it kills me to think about...

Last Thursday, we had sex for what I wanted to be the last time. If he's in love with her, I want him to be happy with her. Immediately after, as in the second after he came, I started bawling and continued sobbing until Sunday night. I hooked up with my Vancouver guy, and it wasn't nearly the same. Good, but not the same.. It's the difference between striking a match and a fireworks show.

Then, my dad went out of town Tuesday, so he came over to keep me company. I ended up getting trashed and we had sex again. It was amazing... Fireworks put that to shame...

But only I feel them when we're together.. He only feels them with her. It tears me up inside to think about...

I can't be a good friend when I'm in love with him... I really want him to be happy with her..

Ouch..

He loves me, but isn't "in love"...

It hurts...

I know I've been mistaken
But just give me a break and see the changes that I've made
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending it's as much as i can take
and you're so independent
you just refuse to bend so I keep bending till I break

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you

Why can't you just forgive me
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way
But I always find a way to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if I chose to walk away would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep me right here waiting

I Could Really Use a Dream, or a Genie, or a Wish

At long last, I had the painful conversation with him about what she gives him that I don't, and why we aren't truly "together". His answer gave me a concrete goal, but also makes everything more painful.

He needs approval of the relationship from his father and brother, both of whom hate me because of what happened in high school. I wish they were more mature about the situation, but sadly, it's not so.

His mom and dog love me though, which is a start. I just wish it was enough.

I want him to tell me he loves me, that he doesn't want any other man to have me. But he just keeps telling me "I don't want to tell you how to live your life."

It's aggravating.

On the plus side, had awesome girl time with my friend who has been away at school. Spent a little more money than I wanted to, but got stuff I'll use constantly, so in the end worth it.

I'm going to turn a job application into a restaurant tomorrow, and get one from a retail store. Hopefully one, or better yet both, will pan out. Also have to pay for summer courses, and scope out apartment complexes. Hopefully I'll find one that doesn't look like a crack den that I can afford.

Have to stop smoking as soon as possible, which sucks. However, the meds should make me lose weight, have a normal period, and clear up my skin some. No more cigarettes is a small price, comparatively.

I've been doing good. He makes me want to be better, and makes my life so much better. With him, I don't want to do things to upset him, and it keeps me from drinking excessively, smoking cigarettes, pills, etc. Vancouver guy, while he's a sweetheart, doesn't really care. He can understand why a person would abuse pills or heroin, and hell even considers it himself. While this isn't a horrible thing, a relationship with him would likely lead down a dark path I've been trying to avoid.

My older goat also has "Inappropriate Lactation Syndrome" and may need a mastectomy. Hopefully breeding her will take care of it, because we really can't afford it...

So much crap going on. Surprisingly not going insane. I know, I'm shocked too.

Until next time,
Katie

In the End the Obvious is Everything

So other than my adolescent whining about tragic love, what has been new with me?

I have decided to stay in Kitsap, for a chance with him. Stupid and foolhardy? Probably. But I know I would regret it if I left. I'm getting my Associates in Anthropology, then seeing where things go.

Currently I'm looking for a place to live and for a job, as where I was working went out of business.

Until then, I'm broke and essentially homeless as my mom is moving to Portland mid-June. Luckily I made up with my dad sorta, so he's helping me a lot.

Been sticking to just weed in terms of harder substances, but smoking cigarettes more. Those have to stop soon because I'm going to go on progesterone pills and the combination can cause blood clots.

In terms of friends, I've been making some! It's quite exciting, having people to hang out with on a regular basis. They seem like wonderful people, and I sincerely hope these friendships are for real.

Other news, my mom has made an appointment for me to get screened for low spectrum autism. Which all things considered, would make sense. But we'll see on that.

Until next time,
Katie

Grey's Anatomy Taught Me Something

That I don't want 50 years to go by and realize at the end of it that I let the love of my life slip away. I want those 50 years with him. The reasons we didn't work, those aren't reasons any more. We've grown, matured. He treats me better every day, and when I look at him I fall more in love with him.

He's in love with me, but he hasn't felt "the moment" that makes him want to truly be with me. I wish I knew what exactly he was missing.

As petty as these worries seem, to have the one man you've ever loved so close, but at the same time so very far away, hurts.

Other updates, I'm staying here, getting my AA in anthropology. Then I'll see how it goes. I talked to my dad today, and he's going to try to help me live out on my own. At long last. Hopefully things improve...

Oh, and I'm out of a job. The cafe went out of business. Which sucks, because jobs are impossible to find. Like I said, hopefully things improve.

Coffee Shop Etiquette

Working as a barista since I was 16 has made me realize that most people have no idea how to get good service from a cafe or what proper behavior is. So I've compiled a list that hopefully will help at least a few customers and baristas.

-If you're more than 10 years older than the baristas, DO NOT HIT ON THEM. I cannot stress this enough. Creepy old, OLD men are the worst. We're nice to you because it's our job, not because we want to sleep with you. I bet those guys also think strippers really like them too...

-On that note, if you must hit on the staff, TIP. The creepers are also usually the stingiest fuckers to come into our work.

-Never, EVER go behind the bar. It's amazing that this is even an issue.

-If there are bus bins, don't leave your dishes on the table. We do have to pick them up, but there is no quicker way to piss off a barista than to leave a huge mess. Especially true in busy cafes.

-If you fail to specify what kind of cup you want (paper or ceramic), we make it in a paper cup. If you requested a ceramic cup, but get your drink in a paper cup, don't throw a hissy fit. It stays warmer longer in a paper cup anyways.

-If we call out "nonfat latte", you ordered a nonfat latte, and there's only one drink on the bar, common sense dictates that it's YOUR nonfat latte. You don't need to ask.

-If you order one drink, like an americano (espresso in water), and we put up something like a mocha with whip, IT'S NOT YOUR DRINK. Use common sense!

-TIP. Seriously, the best way to get great service is to tip.

-BE NICE. The second best way to get great service. We'll still serve you, but won't do anything above and beyond. If you're really an asshole, we may just "accidentally" use whole milk or fully caffeinated espresso instead of nonfat or decaf.

-If you had to wait in line to order, you'll have to wait to get your drink. Most baristas make the drinks as fast as they can while still maintaining quality. If you don't give a shit about that, go to Starbucks.

-Don't bitch about prices. Local cafes can't order in bulk, but usually serve higher quality. Also, the staff can't do anything about it. We know it's expensive, but if it's that much of an issue for you, buy an automatic maker.