Depression

isn't thinking you have nothing to live for; it's knowing you should feel differently and not being able to.

I've been thinking about getting an Exacto-Knife, walking into the middle of the woods, calling 911, then slitting my wrists...

Never too late?

I don't want to kill myself so much as... encourage my death to come sooner.

And out of left field...

I've been hanging out with one of his friends on the weekends. The friend is a very chill guy, wonderfully dry sense of humor, and fun to just chill with. And... I am starting to develop feelings for the friend. Wtf... I don't even understand myself. This whole thing is too fucking weird. This guy, he's pretty straight-laced. No drinking, no drugs. None of that. But I have a good time hanging out with him.. I dunno. Its bad when your emotions are confusing even to you.

Goddamnit...

So in the past couple days:
-Almost ODed
-Found out on of my friends from hockey is missing and presumed dead off the Oregon coast
-Have to go to a deposition against a very frightening man and his experienced attorney, alone
-Verbally duking it out with my idiot mother over how much money I owe her
-Snapped at by "him" when calling for help
-Completely fucking broke, as in paying for gas with coins
-Haven't slept more than 4 hours continuously
-Probable strep throat

Hey, Life? Yeah, fuck you too.

I Try to Live Without You, Everytime I Do I Feel Dead

I'm taking a break from him, and falling back into an old habit. Snorting Percocet is delicious. I love how the bitter taste fades into almost a sickly sweet taste. My pupils are tiny and I feel delightfully numb to the fact that as I type this, he's with the one he truly loves and will probably marry. I have 30 mg of oxycodone/1950 mg of acetaminophen that I can snort, swallow, or parachute over the next couple of days. Sober, I feel physically sick that on this of all weekends they're together, and that while he's my best friend I can't be happy for him. That's part of the reason I don't want to talk to him for a while. He deserves a best friend who could actually go to his wedding, and be happy for him when a relationship succeeds, rather than when it fails. I'm a horrible person for wishing that... Unbelievably selfish...

Why this weekend? Because 5 years ago tomorrow was when he told me he wanted to be with me forever. Now, it just serves as a constant reminder of how much I fucked everything up. How I treated him so horribly, when he was already trying to deal with his grandfather's death, that he can never feel that way about me again. Why would he want to? I'm a horrible, selfish person. I'd rather he be with me than be happy with someone else. I've been trying to improve myself for him, and just in general, but now I think he's better off without me, rather than the other way around. I mean, I slept with someone he hated just to try to hurt him. I flaunt my drug use, smoking, and excessive drinking to try to get his attention. Then when I don't get it, I get angry at him. I mean, goddamn... I wouldn't want to be with me either. She seems so much better for him... And it kills me to think about...

Last Thursday, we had sex for what I wanted to be the last time. If he's in love with her, I want him to be happy with her. Immediately after, as in the second after he came, I started bawling and continued sobbing until Sunday night. I hooked up with my Vancouver guy, and it wasn't nearly the same. Good, but not the same.. It's the difference between striking a match and a fireworks show.

Then, my dad went out of town Tuesday, so he came over to keep me company. I ended up getting trashed and we had sex again. It was amazing... Fireworks put that to shame...

But only I feel them when we're together.. He only feels them with her. It tears me up inside to think about...

I can't be a good friend when I'm in love with him... I really want him to be happy with her..

Ouch..

He loves me, but isn't "in love"...

It hurts...

I know I've been mistaken
But just give me a break and see the changes that I've made
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending it's as much as i can take
and you're so independent
you just refuse to bend so I keep bending till I break

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you

Why can't you just forgive me
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way
But I always find a way to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if I chose to walk away would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep me right here waiting

I Could Really Use a Dream, or a Genie, or a Wish

At long last, I had the painful conversation with him about what she gives him that I don't, and why we aren't truly "together". His answer gave me a concrete goal, but also makes everything more painful.

He needs approval of the relationship from his father and brother, both of whom hate me because of what happened in high school. I wish they were more mature about the situation, but sadly, it's not so.

His mom and dog love me though, which is a start. I just wish it was enough.

I want him to tell me he loves me, that he doesn't want any other man to have me. But he just keeps telling me "I don't want to tell you how to live your life."

It's aggravating.

On the plus side, had awesome girl time with my friend who has been away at school. Spent a little more money than I wanted to, but got stuff I'll use constantly, so in the end worth it.

I'm going to turn a job application into a restaurant tomorrow, and get one from a retail store. Hopefully one, or better yet both, will pan out. Also have to pay for summer courses, and scope out apartment complexes. Hopefully I'll find one that doesn't look like a crack den that I can afford.

Have to stop smoking as soon as possible, which sucks. However, the meds should make me lose weight, have a normal period, and clear up my skin some. No more cigarettes is a small price, comparatively.

I've been doing good. He makes me want to be better, and makes my life so much better. With him, I don't want to do things to upset him, and it keeps me from drinking excessively, smoking cigarettes, pills, etc. Vancouver guy, while he's a sweetheart, doesn't really care. He can understand why a person would abuse pills or heroin, and hell even considers it himself. While this isn't a horrible thing, a relationship with him would likely lead down a dark path I've been trying to avoid.

My older goat also has "Inappropriate Lactation Syndrome" and may need a mastectomy. Hopefully breeding her will take care of it, because we really can't afford it...

So much crap going on. Surprisingly not going insane. I know, I'm shocked too.

Until next time,
Katie