Here We Go Again

I keep trying to get away from him, but things keep happening... His dad's hospitalization, my grandmother's deterioration, and now my mom failed to pay my tuition so I'm dropped from classes. I have nothing to do really without his XBox during the week. Maybe work out and try to find a third job. But still. Not a lot going on if I take him out...

Amazing that we got this far.

What do I want from life?

I want to truly live, not just survive day to day. I want to travel to Spain, Italy, Ireland, England, Russia, Afghanistan, Egypt, Amsterdam, Congo, Bolivia, Peru, India, Australia, to name a few. I want to help build schools and women's health clinics. I want to try to help stop poachers. I want to live in a foreign country with my lover, painting and drawing. I want a bohemian life. I want to find true love.

What do I want to be?

I want to be free. I want to be confident. I want to be sexy. I want to be happy. I want to be caring, gracious, likable. I want to be an artist. I want to be a good mother, someday.

I want this life either way. It would be made amazing by him being in it, but made no worse by him not being there.

It's no surprised that I got lost in your brown eyes

So we've gone from practically living together, to actually living together. This is so unbelievably weird. I'm so confused. It's been amazing. We just meshed together... But I think today I'm going to drag him off to the beach. Get away from his mom for a little bit. I'm staying in his guest room while his dad is away, and trying to help him and his mom out. I feel like that missing element has returned, or is trying to.

The amazing thing is I am getting my shit together staying here. I'm attending class, doing homework, getting to bed at reasonable times, waking up before noon, not smoking (cigarettes) or drinking or snorting or any of that, and I'm so fucking relaxed!! It's kinda weird. But I don't hate it. I love what he does for me..

-Katie

Russian Roulette is not the Same without a Gun

I don't even know any more. Between my mom, finances, school, and my personal life? Just trying to make it day to day..

Things are so... Complicated? Unchanged? I don't know. It's like he wants all of me, then I'm not sure, I guess I get too close or he realizes something or I don't know. His girlfriend is so wrong for him. She hates all drugs, thinks he's going to OD on meth or something, and bitches about all their private issues on his/her Facebook walls, in front of all their friends and family. She's a stupid little girl, and doesn't deserve him. But he's giving her another shot, he still loves her. He's even visiting her this weekend, left tonight... And of course I can't stop crying. We've basically been living together for 3 weeks, so this kinda tears me up. I learned to crochet so that I can custom make him a couple of beanies, and I'm drawing his birthday card already. There's a manic part of my brain that keeps saying "If you do this perfectly, he'll love you." Stupid I know. But goddamn... Despite this crap he makes me so unbelievably happy. I can truly be myself around him, I don't have to censor myself at all. Yet at the same time he makes me want to be a better person.

I need money. Not a lot to it other than that. I'm trying to find a third job, but damnit I hate being poor. My bitch of a mother refuses to help out with my schooling because its "not a real degree if it's from a community college." Fucking cunt. Then she freaks out when I don't text, call, or visit. Whenever I'm not sleeping I'm fucking working so I can afford to go to fucking school. But oooohhhhh no. That's not fucking good enough for her. I MUST be ignoring her. Which is also true. Why? Bitch fucking asked him if he had "done (her) daughter behind the high school", unprovoked, at a family dinner. What. The. Fuck.

We fall back Into the same patterns, Same routine

It's so much easier when he's a jerk... But when he does things like sneak a chocolate bar into the alcohol he bought me because I'm having a shit time... Goddamn, it makes me cry like a baby.

I've been clean from prescription pills for almost 6 weeks now. That was an awful night, I couldn't breath or move. I woke up the next morning surprised I was alive. He didn't call because he was scared I was dead...

I think he cares more than he'll admit...

It's horrible of me, but I wish his girlfriend would fail him... Then maybe... But that would cause him pain.. So part of me hopes that doesn't happen.

Different note, my pet rabbit is a little butt. He has an obsession with my favorite boots, and will hop up the storage bins and my bookcase to chew on them. I love Hazel though, he helps keep me sane. Weird little critter though.

I almost feel like if I can lose the weight, then he'll love me... So diet starts tomorrow. Even if I lose it for him, then at least I'll be healthy. Fingers crossed.

Katie

Breaking Inside

In case my previous posts haven't revealed it, I've been in a really awful place lately.

I can't truly make amends for my past mistakes, so I keep suffering for them... He will never truly forgive me, and everything just keeps coming back to haunt me...

Really the two things holding me on are my job and my animals. My guinea pigs are amazing, Vivien is sitting my my lap as I write this. And I'm getting a bunny soon. Having something small and furry that loves you and just wants to cuddle and eat makes things bearable... Since a baby would be an awful idea right now..

There's also my job. I'm a restaurant hostess, and I love it. I get to not think about ANYTHING other than my job for hours. Its such a relief...

And I realized something the other day.. I can't feel that Earth-stopping moment, when everything but him ceases to exist, when I know, not just assume, that he's in love with someone else. We had a long talk about his girlfriend, and hearing him talk about her made it all real... But I guess it's a good thing... Even if it hurts me, its less drama on him.. And he doesn't need that..

Depression

isn't thinking you have nothing to live for; it's knowing you should feel differently and not being able to.

I've been thinking about getting an Exacto-Knife, walking into the middle of the woods, calling 911, then slitting my wrists...