Ouch..

He loves me, but isn't "in love"...

It hurts...

I know I've been mistaken
But just give me a break and see the changes that I've made
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending it's as much as i can take
and you're so independent
you just refuse to bend so I keep bending till I break

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you

Why can't you just forgive me
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way
But I always find a way to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if I chose to walk away would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep me right here waiting

I Could Really Use a Dream, or a Genie, or a Wish

At long last, I had the painful conversation with him about what she gives him that I don't, and why we aren't truly "together". His answer gave me a concrete goal, but also makes everything more painful.

He needs approval of the relationship from his father and brother, both of whom hate me because of what happened in high school. I wish they were more mature about the situation, but sadly, it's not so.

His mom and dog love me though, which is a start. I just wish it was enough.

I want him to tell me he loves me, that he doesn't want any other man to have me. But he just keeps telling me "I don't want to tell you how to live your life."

It's aggravating.

On the plus side, had awesome girl time with my friend who has been away at school. Spent a little more money than I wanted to, but got stuff I'll use constantly, so in the end worth it.

I'm going to turn a job application into a restaurant tomorrow, and get one from a retail store. Hopefully one, or better yet both, will pan out. Also have to pay for summer courses, and scope out apartment complexes. Hopefully I'll find one that doesn't look like a crack den that I can afford.

Have to stop smoking as soon as possible, which sucks. However, the meds should make me lose weight, have a normal period, and clear up my skin some. No more cigarettes is a small price, comparatively.

I've been doing good. He makes me want to be better, and makes my life so much better. With him, I don't want to do things to upset him, and it keeps me from drinking excessively, smoking cigarettes, pills, etc. Vancouver guy, while he's a sweetheart, doesn't really care. He can understand why a person would abuse pills or heroin, and hell even considers it himself. While this isn't a horrible thing, a relationship with him would likely lead down a dark path I've been trying to avoid.

My older goat also has "Inappropriate Lactation Syndrome" and may need a mastectomy. Hopefully breeding her will take care of it, because we really can't afford it...

So much crap going on. Surprisingly not going insane. I know, I'm shocked too.

Until next time,
Katie