Monday, November 15, 2010

Kill With Kindness

New tactic. Ignore him, befriend her.

Using again. I feel wonderful but awful sober. I hate letting him down.

My goat died. She was the love of my life, I raised her from the minute she was born. But right now I can't talk more about that...

Sunday, November 7, 2010

OMG Facebook!!!!1!!!

Dear Insecure Girlfriend of My Best Friend,

Just because you think I'm posting only pictures of your boyfriend does not mean it is true. Unlike you, I am smart enough to change my profile and picture settings so that only my friends may view them. Consequently, you cannot see the multitude of other pictures I have also uploaded, and if I wanted you to be able to see them, I would've accepted your friend request. The only reason you can even see those pictures is because he's a mutual friend.

So please stop adding pictures of you and him kissing. It's gross, immature, and an invasion of his privacy. If you knew him as well as you say you'd know that he hates his personal life dragged out in front of everyone, and that counts. If your relationship was as wonderful as you say it is, then you wouldn't feel the need to display all your intimate moments in addition to endlessly gushing and revealing private details on your home page, which as I mentioned before is completely public.

While he may play dumb, I know its too much of a coincidence that every time I put up a new picture of him, you try to double it. Stop being an insecure little bitch, or at least own up to it. He may be buying your super shy, innocent act, but I'm not.

Also, please stop talking about how you're there for him through his trials, and how you cried when the puppy died. I've been next to him through everything with his family, and I nursed that puppy for 6 hours, with almost no breaks, to try and give it a fighting chance. You never even met her. In addition, stop talking shit to mutual friends, they all like me better than you and you're just making yourself look bad.

Forgive the passive-aggressive nature of this letter, and if you take anything away from it, let it be this.

Go. Fuck. Yourself. Because God knows no one else wants to.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Here We Go Again

I keep trying to get away from him, but things keep happening... His dad's hospitalization, my grandmother's deterioration, and now my mom failed to pay my tuition so I'm dropped from classes. I have nothing to do really without his XBox during the week. Maybe work out and try to find a third job. But still. Not a lot going on if I take him out...

Monday, October 18, 2010

Amazing that we got this far.

What do I want from life?

I want to truly live, not just survive day to day. I want to travel to Spain, Italy, Ireland, England, Russia, Afghanistan, Egypt, Amsterdam, Congo, Bolivia, Peru, India, Australia, to name a few. I want to help build schools and women's health clinics. I want to try to help stop poachers. I want to live in a foreign country with my lover, painting and drawing. I want a bohemian life. I want to find true love.

What do I want to be?

I want to be free. I want to be confident. I want to be sexy. I want to be happy. I want to be caring, gracious, likable. I want to be an artist. I want to be a good mother, someday.

I want this life either way. It would be made amazing by him being in it, but made no worse by him not being there.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

It's no surprised that I got lost in your brown eyes

So we've gone from practically living together, to actually living together. This is so unbelievably weird. I'm so confused. It's been amazing. We just meshed together... But I think today I'm going to drag him off to the beach. Get away from his mom for a little bit. I'm staying in his guest room while his dad is away, and trying to help him and his mom out. I feel like that missing element has returned, or is trying to.

The amazing thing is I am getting my shit together staying here. I'm attending class, doing homework, getting to bed at reasonable times, waking up before noon, not smoking (cigarettes) or drinking or snorting or any of that, and I'm so fucking relaxed!! It's kinda weird. But I don't hate it. I love what he does for me..


Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Russian Roulette is not the Same without a Gun

I don't even know any more. Between my mom, finances, school, and my personal life? Just trying to make it day to day..

Things are so... Complicated? Unchanged? I don't know. It's like he wants all of me, then I'm not sure, I guess I get too close or he realizes something or I don't know. His girlfriend is so wrong for him. She hates all drugs, thinks he's going to OD on meth or something, and bitches about all their private issues on his/her Facebook walls, in front of all their friends and family. She's a stupid little girl, and doesn't deserve him. But he's giving her another shot, he still loves her. He's even visiting her this weekend, left tonight... And of course I can't stop crying. We've basically been living together for 3 weeks, so this kinda tears me up. I learned to crochet so that I can custom make him a couple of beanies, and I'm drawing his birthday card already. There's a manic part of my brain that keeps saying "If you do this perfectly, he'll love you." Stupid I know. But goddamn... Despite this crap he makes me so unbelievably happy. I can truly be myself around him, I don't have to censor myself at all. Yet at the same time he makes me want to be a better person.

I need money. Not a lot to it other than that. I'm trying to find a third job, but damnit I hate being poor. My bitch of a mother refuses to help out with my schooling because its "not a real degree if it's from a community college." Fucking cunt. Then she freaks out when I don't text, call, or visit. Whenever I'm not sleeping I'm fucking working so I can afford to go to fucking school. But oooohhhhh no. That's not fucking good enough for her. I MUST be ignoring her. Which is also true. Why? Bitch fucking asked him if he had "done (her) daughter behind the high school", unprovoked, at a family dinner. What. The. Fuck.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

We fall back Into the same patterns, Same routine

It's so much easier when he's a jerk... But when he does things like sneak a chocolate bar into the alcohol he bought me because I'm having a shit time... Goddamn, it makes me cry like a baby.

I've been clean from prescription pills for almost 6 weeks now. That was an awful night, I couldn't breath or move. I woke up the next morning surprised I was alive. He didn't call because he was scared I was dead...

I think he cares more than he'll admit...

It's horrible of me, but I wish his girlfriend would fail him... Then maybe... But that would cause him pain.. So part of me hopes that doesn't happen.

Different note, my pet rabbit is a little butt. He has an obsession with my favorite boots, and will hop up the storage bins and my bookcase to chew on them. I love Hazel though, he helps keep me sane. Weird little critter though.

I almost feel like if I can lose the weight, then he'll love me... So diet starts tomorrow. Even if I lose it for him, then at least I'll be healthy. Fingers crossed.


Thursday, July 29, 2010

Breaking Inside

In case my previous posts haven't revealed it, I've been in a really awful place lately.

I can't truly make amends for my past mistakes, so I keep suffering for them... He will never truly forgive me, and everything just keeps coming back to haunt me...

Really the two things holding me on are my job and my animals. My guinea pigs are amazing, Vivien is sitting my my lap as I write this. And I'm getting a bunny soon. Having something small and furry that loves you and just wants to cuddle and eat makes things bearable... Since a baby would be an awful idea right now..

There's also my job. I'm a restaurant hostess, and I love it. I get to not think about ANYTHING other than my job for hours. Its such a relief...

And I realized something the other day.. I can't feel that Earth-stopping moment, when everything but him ceases to exist, when I know, not just assume, that he's in love with someone else. We had a long talk about his girlfriend, and hearing him talk about her made it all real... But I guess it's a good thing... Even if it hurts me, its less drama on him.. And he doesn't need that..

Friday, July 23, 2010


isn't thinking you have nothing to live for; it's knowing you should feel differently and not being able to.

I've been thinking about getting an Exacto-Knife, walking into the middle of the woods, calling 911, then slitting my wrists...

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Never too late?

I don't want to kill myself so much as... encourage my death to come sooner.

Monday, July 19, 2010

And out of left field...

I've been hanging out with one of his friends on the weekends. The friend is a very chill guy, wonderfully dry sense of humor, and fun to just chill with. And... I am starting to develop feelings for the friend. Wtf... I don't even understand myself. This whole thing is too fucking weird. This guy, he's pretty straight-laced. No drinking, no drugs. None of that. But I have a good time hanging out with him.. I dunno. Its bad when your emotions are confusing even to you.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


So in the past couple days:
-Almost ODed
-Found out on of my friends from hockey is missing and presumed dead off the Oregon coast
-Have to go to a deposition against a very frightening man and his experienced attorney, alone
-Verbally duking it out with my idiot mother over how much money I owe her
-Snapped at by "him" when calling for help
-Completely fucking broke, as in paying for gas with coins
-Haven't slept more than 4 hours continuously
-Probable strep throat

Hey, Life? Yeah, fuck you too.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

I Try to Live Without You, Everytime I Do I Feel Dead

I'm taking a break from him, and falling back into an old habit. Snorting Percocet is delicious. I love how the bitter taste fades into almost a sickly sweet taste. My pupils are tiny and I feel delightfully numb to the fact that as I type this, he's with the one he truly loves and will probably marry. I have 30 mg of oxycodone/1950 mg of acetaminophen that I can snort, swallow, or parachute over the next couple of days. Sober, I feel physically sick that on this of all weekends they're together, and that while he's my best friend I can't be happy for him. That's part of the reason I don't want to talk to him for a while. He deserves a best friend who could actually go to his wedding, and be happy for him when a relationship succeeds, rather than when it fails. I'm a horrible person for wishing that... Unbelievably selfish...

Why this weekend? Because 5 years ago tomorrow was when he told me he wanted to be with me forever. Now, it just serves as a constant reminder of how much I fucked everything up. How I treated him so horribly, when he was already trying to deal with his grandfather's death, that he can never feel that way about me again. Why would he want to? I'm a horrible, selfish person. I'd rather he be with me than be happy with someone else. I've been trying to improve myself for him, and just in general, but now I think he's better off without me, rather than the other way around. I mean, I slept with someone he hated just to try to hurt him. I flaunt my drug use, smoking, and excessive drinking to try to get his attention. Then when I don't get it, I get angry at him. I mean, goddamn... I wouldn't want to be with me either. She seems so much better for him... And it kills me to think about...

Last Thursday, we had sex for what I wanted to be the last time. If he's in love with her, I want him to be happy with her. Immediately after, as in the second after he came, I started bawling and continued sobbing until Sunday night. I hooked up with my Vancouver guy, and it wasn't nearly the same. Good, but not the same.. It's the difference between striking a match and a fireworks show.

Then, my dad went out of town Tuesday, so he came over to keep me company. I ended up getting trashed and we had sex again. It was amazing... Fireworks put that to shame...

But only I feel them when we're together.. He only feels them with her. It tears me up inside to think about...

I can't be a good friend when I'm in love with him... I really want him to be happy with her..

Sunday, June 27, 2010


He loves me, but isn't "in love"...

It hurts...

I know I've been mistaken
But just give me a break and see the changes that I've made
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending it's as much as i can take
and you're so independent
you just refuse to bend so I keep bending till I break

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you

Why can't you just forgive me
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way
But I always find a way to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if I chose to walk away would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep me right here waiting

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

I Could Really Use a Dream, or a Genie, or a Wish

At long last, I had the painful conversation with him about what she gives him that I don't, and why we aren't truly "together". His answer gave me a concrete goal, but also makes everything more painful.

He needs approval of the relationship from his father and brother, both of whom hate me because of what happened in high school. I wish they were more mature about the situation, but sadly, it's not so.

His mom and dog love me though, which is a start. I just wish it was enough.

I want him to tell me he loves me, that he doesn't want any other man to have me. But he just keeps telling me "I don't want to tell you how to live your life."

It's aggravating.

On the plus side, had awesome girl time with my friend who has been away at school. Spent a little more money than I wanted to, but got stuff I'll use constantly, so in the end worth it.

I'm going to turn a job application into a restaurant tomorrow, and get one from a retail store. Hopefully one, or better yet both, will pan out. Also have to pay for summer courses, and scope out apartment complexes. Hopefully I'll find one that doesn't look like a crack den that I can afford.

Have to stop smoking as soon as possible, which sucks. However, the meds should make me lose weight, have a normal period, and clear up my skin some. No more cigarettes is a small price, comparatively.

I've been doing good. He makes me want to be better, and makes my life so much better. With him, I don't want to do things to upset him, and it keeps me from drinking excessively, smoking cigarettes, pills, etc. Vancouver guy, while he's a sweetheart, doesn't really care. He can understand why a person would abuse pills or heroin, and hell even considers it himself. While this isn't a horrible thing, a relationship with him would likely lead down a dark path I've been trying to avoid.

My older goat also has "Inappropriate Lactation Syndrome" and may need a mastectomy. Hopefully breeding her will take care of it, because we really can't afford it...

So much crap going on. Surprisingly not going insane. I know, I'm shocked too.

Until next time,

Sunday, May 30, 2010

In the End the Obvious is Everything

So other than my adolescent whining about tragic love, what has been new with me?

I have decided to stay in Kitsap, for a chance with him. Stupid and foolhardy? Probably. But I know I would regret it if I left. I'm getting my Associates in Anthropology, then seeing where things go.

Currently I'm looking for a place to live and for a job, as where I was working went out of business.

Until then, I'm broke and essentially homeless as my mom is moving to Portland mid-June. Luckily I made up with my dad sorta, so he's helping me a lot.

Been sticking to just weed in terms of harder substances, but smoking cigarettes more. Those have to stop soon because I'm going to go on progesterone pills and the combination can cause blood clots.

In terms of friends, I've been making some! It's quite exciting, having people to hang out with on a regular basis. They seem like wonderful people, and I sincerely hope these friendships are for real.

Other news, my mom has made an appointment for me to get screened for low spectrum autism. Which all things considered, would make sense. But we'll see on that.

Until next time,

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Grey's Anatomy Taught Me Something

That I don't want 50 years to go by and realize at the end of it that I let the love of my life slip away. I want those 50 years with him. The reasons we didn't work, those aren't reasons any more. We've grown, matured. He treats me better every day, and when I look at him I fall more in love with him.

He's in love with me, but he hasn't felt "the moment" that makes him want to truly be with me. I wish I knew what exactly he was missing.

As petty as these worries seem, to have the one man you've ever loved so close, but at the same time so very far away, hurts.

Other updates, I'm staying here, getting my AA in anthropology. Then I'll see how it goes. I talked to my dad today, and he's going to try to help me live out on my own. At long last. Hopefully things improve...

Oh, and I'm out of a job. The cafe went out of business. Which sucks, because jobs are impossible to find. Like I said, hopefully things improve.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Coffee Shop Etiquette

Working as a barista since I was 16 has made me realize that most people have no idea how to get good service from a cafe or what proper behavior is. So I've compiled a list that hopefully will help at least a few customers and baristas.

-If you're more than 10 years older than the baristas, DO NOT HIT ON THEM. I cannot stress this enough. Creepy old, OLD men are the worst. We're nice to you because it's our job, not because we want to sleep with you. I bet those guys also think strippers really like them too...

-On that note, if you must hit on the staff, TIP. The creepers are also usually the stingiest fuckers to come into our work.

-Never, EVER go behind the bar. It's amazing that this is even an issue.

-If there are bus bins, don't leave your dishes on the table. We do have to pick them up, but there is no quicker way to piss off a barista than to leave a huge mess. Especially true in busy cafes.

-If you fail to specify what kind of cup you want (paper or ceramic), we make it in a paper cup. If you requested a ceramic cup, but get your drink in a paper cup, don't throw a hissy fit. It stays warmer longer in a paper cup anyways.

-If we call out "nonfat latte", you ordered a nonfat latte, and there's only one drink on the bar, common sense dictates that it's YOUR nonfat latte. You don't need to ask.

-If you order one drink, like an americano (espresso in water), and we put up something like a mocha with whip, IT'S NOT YOUR DRINK. Use common sense!

-TIP. Seriously, the best way to get great service is to tip.

-BE NICE. The second best way to get great service. We'll still serve you, but won't do anything above and beyond. If you're really an asshole, we may just "accidentally" use whole milk or fully caffeinated espresso instead of nonfat or decaf.

-If you had to wait in line to order, you'll have to wait to get your drink. Most baristas make the drinks as fast as they can while still maintaining quality. If you don't give a shit about that, go to Starbucks.

-Don't bitch about prices. Local cafes can't order in bulk, but usually serve higher quality. Also, the staff can't do anything about it. We know it's expensive, but if it's that much of an issue for you, buy an automatic maker.

Thursday, March 11, 2010


A list of possible tattoos:
  • Fiducia and Amore on my right and left wrists (trust and love in Italian)
  • An intertwining jasmine and olive vine up my left thigh and hip
  • Otter styled like a traditional koi design on my right rib cage
  • An "ace of spades" on the back of my neck
  • A wolf-paw yin/yang sign on my left ankle
  • A jasmine flower tramp stamp
  • A "fairy tale" theme sleeve on my right arm
  • A "wild horses" theme sleeve on my left arm
  • A horse on my left rib cage with "L'amore domina senza regole" (love rules without rules)
  • The "aquarius" constellation on my left shoulder blade

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

9 Days Ago

I ran out of hydrocodone. The surprising discovery? Mild chemical dependence towards it. I'm just beginning to feel normal again, to not wake up hating everyone and everything.

I still really want to get high, but I don't want to be dependent on something else...

It's hard when he got a "girlfriend". It won't last, they never do. But right now it hurts, and I so badly want to slip into that sweet release opiates provide. They also make everything, including cleaning my room, so much more fun and bearable.

There's the other boy, the one I could have a real relationship with. I want to be closer to him, because that's the only sober escape I get. His arms make me forget everything. There I wouldn't have to keep in contact just to survive...

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Trying to Deal..

I'm still really torn up about what happened with my dad... He told my grandmother my brother and I deserved what we got, and should've gotten more. Loud noises make me jump, and I have to comfort myself at night if I sleep alone. The only times I've felt safe are when I was in the arms of either my best friend, or the guy I'm falling for in another city. I know, I have daddy issues...

It hurts so much that my own father doesn't love me... That he feels like I deserve that shit...

I feel like if my own father can't love me, no man will...

Just writing that little bit brings me to tears. I don't know what I'd do without my best friend sometimes.. He's my superhero more often than not.

Friday, January 15, 2010


This year is looking up.

My classes are fantastic. I forget how much I love acting.
I'm much more relaxed.
I'm learning to appreciate his friendship, and to work within his personality to deepen our relationship.
I'm saving money.
I'm dieting to try to get down to about 120 lbs so I can hopefully get a job as an "exotic dancer", and earn enough money to live on my own and hopefully still go to school.

Here's to hoping all goes at least semi-well.