Wednesday, September 29, 2010

It's no surprised that I got lost in your brown eyes

So we've gone from practically living together, to actually living together. This is so unbelievably weird. I'm so confused. It's been amazing. We just meshed together... But I think today I'm going to drag him off to the beach. Get away from his mom for a little bit. I'm staying in his guest room while his dad is away, and trying to help him and his mom out. I feel like that missing element has returned, or is trying to.

The amazing thing is I am getting my shit together staying here. I'm attending class, doing homework, getting to bed at reasonable times, waking up before noon, not smoking (cigarettes) or drinking or snorting or any of that, and I'm so fucking relaxed!! It's kinda weird. But I don't hate it. I love what he does for me..


Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Russian Roulette is not the Same without a Gun

I don't even know any more. Between my mom, finances, school, and my personal life? Just trying to make it day to day..

Things are so... Complicated? Unchanged? I don't know. It's like he wants all of me, then I'm not sure, I guess I get too close or he realizes something or I don't know. His girlfriend is so wrong for him. She hates all drugs, thinks he's going to OD on meth or something, and bitches about all their private issues on his/her Facebook walls, in front of all their friends and family. She's a stupid little girl, and doesn't deserve him. But he's giving her another shot, he still loves her. He's even visiting her this weekend, left tonight... And of course I can't stop crying. We've basically been living together for 3 weeks, so this kinda tears me up. I learned to crochet so that I can custom make him a couple of beanies, and I'm drawing his birthday card already. There's a manic part of my brain that keeps saying "If you do this perfectly, he'll love you." Stupid I know. But goddamn... Despite this crap he makes me so unbelievably happy. I can truly be myself around him, I don't have to censor myself at all. Yet at the same time he makes me want to be a better person.

I need money. Not a lot to it other than that. I'm trying to find a third job, but damnit I hate being poor. My bitch of a mother refuses to help out with my schooling because its "not a real degree if it's from a community college." Fucking cunt. Then she freaks out when I don't text, call, or visit. Whenever I'm not sleeping I'm fucking working so I can afford to go to fucking school. But oooohhhhh no. That's not fucking good enough for her. I MUST be ignoring her. Which is also true. Why? Bitch fucking asked him if he had "done (her) daughter behind the high school", unprovoked, at a family dinner. What. The. Fuck.