Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Russian Roulette is not the Same without a Gun

I don't even know any more. Between my mom, finances, school, and my personal life? Just trying to make it day to day..

Things are so... Complicated? Unchanged? I don't know. It's like he wants all of me, then I'm not sure, I guess I get too close or he realizes something or I don't know. His girlfriend is so wrong for him. She hates all drugs, thinks he's going to OD on meth or something, and bitches about all their private issues on his/her Facebook walls, in front of all their friends and family. She's a stupid little girl, and doesn't deserve him. But he's giving her another shot, he still loves her. He's even visiting her this weekend, left tonight... And of course I can't stop crying. We've basically been living together for 3 weeks, so this kinda tears me up. I learned to crochet so that I can custom make him a couple of beanies, and I'm drawing his birthday card already. There's a manic part of my brain that keeps saying "If you do this perfectly, he'll love you." Stupid I know. But goddamn... Despite this crap he makes me so unbelievably happy. I can truly be myself around him, I don't have to censor myself at all. Yet at the same time he makes me want to be a better person.

I need money. Not a lot to it other than that. I'm trying to find a third job, but damnit I hate being poor. My bitch of a mother refuses to help out with my schooling because its "not a real degree if it's from a community college." Fucking cunt. Then she freaks out when I don't text, call, or visit. Whenever I'm not sleeping I'm fucking working so I can afford to go to fucking school. But oooohhhhh no. That's not fucking good enough for her. I MUST be ignoring her. Which is also true. Why? Bitch fucking asked him if he had "done (her) daughter behind the high school", unprovoked, at a family dinner. What. The. Fuck.

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