Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Dirty Little Secret

I've been reading a bunch of PostSecret postcards today and thinking about what I would make one of. Right now, I can think of a few possible secrets.

"I feel that if you can't love me, no one ever will. Thanks for that, Dad..."

"I'm afraid that I will always love you, and you will never reciprocate again."

"I fear/hope that we are soulmates."

"I want to tell you that I'm moving to become a stripper, but I'm afraid you'll abandon me because of it."

If I create cards out of these, I'll post them here.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

This House Is Not A Home

So my father finally hit the fan, and we had to call the cops.

My brother and I were expecting this, but we always thought it would be our mom. Life’s funny that way…

He came home and immediately started screaming at us. My brother had just woken up, and I was taking a nap before starting on homework. They were screaming at each other, and I pulled the covers over my head and prayed it would stop. When my mom texted me, I told her they were fighting and to come get my brother.

Then, my dad burst into my room and yanked the blankets off my bed, calling me ungrateful, lazy, and pathetic. He laid into me about everything that was apparently bothering him about me, while I curled into a ball on my bed and tried to go someplace else. When he began punctuating everything he said by slapping his hand, my brother thought he was hitting me and got in his face to stop it.

My father then proceeded to grab my brother by the throat and pin him to his bed. Luckily, at this point my mom showed up and things never escalated between us and him any further. The parents screamed at each other for a few minutes, and when my father slammed the door in Mom’s face and dared her to call the police, she did. My brother stood outside with her while I cowered behind my bed and they texted me to join them. I did when the police finally showed up.

The police talked to us, and we tried to downplay it. I think because we were in shock…

They then went inside and talked to him. They said that we were free to go if we wanted, and should maybe listen to our father more. Why they reacted this way rather than arresting him, which is what they’re supposed to do in domestic disturbance cases, I can only guess.

My brother left with mom, and I stayed at the house. The van I drive is legally his and being in shock I didn’t think through that I could use my mom’s car the next day.

I then proceeded to get insanely high on hydrocodone, so much so that I couldn’t walk, and try to sleep. I failed at the later because every time I heard a noise I jumped out of bed.

After work the next day I just went straight to my mom’s.

Thank god for my best friend, he went back with me on Monday to speed-pack while my father was at work.

I don’t know what I’d do without that boy…

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

So What If You Can See The Darkest Side Of Me?

The other night I relapsed into an old addiction. I was fighting with my closest friend and no one was there to comfort me. I was literally all alone, and felt like everything was bearing down upon me. I took some hydrocodone but the high did little to dispel the feelings of being completely alone. So I did something I hadn’t done in years.

I went into my medicine cabinet and pulled out an unused razor head. I stripped out the blades, and with surprisingly steady hands I pressed the cool edge into the skin on my leg. I could feel the tearing, and it was fantastic. I felt a rush and then… nothing. No more pain, no more misery. It was as though my emotional slate had been wiped clean, I looked down at the blood now pouring out of the fresh red lines on my thigh and felt a sense of peace. The rivulets of blood held my attention for a while as I basked in the complete lack of feeling, positive or negative.

And then… he texted me. The feeling of peace was gone, and the world came roaring back with a vengeance.

But as much as we can rub each other the wrong way, I need him. Sometimes it even seems like he needs me.

It's not just him either. He's actually a great friend, but I'm completely in love with him and sometimes that creates issues between us. It's everything else that's pressing down on me. My failure at school, my complete lack of a romantic life, my very few friends, complete uncertainty with my life, the ever-present desire to try heroin or to get trashed, and my awful relationship with my parents are what weigh on me most. Usually, he's the only thing that keeps me sane.

I want to escape. I want out. I want to run and never look back.

How To Save A Life

"Can I talk to you for a second?"
He rolled his eyes, and snapped.
"What is it this time?"
His words stung, but she persisted.
"Please, I just want to talk to you." she pleaded while trying to keep her voice from breaking. He turned to leave, but she caught his arm.
"Please, baby. You've been so distant these past few months, just talk to me for a few minutes."
She cringed when she saw his jaw clench, but after a few seconds of eye contact, he obliged.
"Thank you."
He smiled, but it was tense, forced. He hated confrontation, and it was only a matter of time before he started yelling. She hated it when he yelled at her. It didn't matter what she'd done, it always felt like she'd been punched in the gut. He never actually hit her, but his insults hurt just the same, and once he had slammed his hand against the wall beside her head. That was one of the most terrifying moments of her life.

Step one you say, "We need to talk."
He walks, you say, "Sit down, it's just a talk."
He smiles politely back at you,
You stare politely right on through,
Some sort of window to your right.
As he goes left and you stay right,
Between the lines of fear and blame,
You begin to wonder why you came.

She stared at the wall, trying to summon the courage to confront him. Her stomach clenched at the thought of the upcoming fight. She didn't want to put what they had in danger, but he was slipping so far so fast. She couldn't lose him like this; she wanted so badly to save him from this monster. This wasn't the man she loved; that man had disappeared long ago. She just wanted to try and salvage what was left of the sweet, loving, patient man she knew so long ago.
He sighed, impatient, and looked out the window.
"You gonna get started anytime soon?"
"You need help." There. It was out there.
"Fuck. You. There's nothing wrong with me and you know it."
"Please don't… I only want to help."
"You don't fucking get it. You never have and never will. So back the fuck off! I don't have a problem and you fucking know it."
His words stung, and her throat tightened. "I'm not talking about that, and you know it."
"So is it then?"
"It's this! This isn't you! You never used to yell at me like this! And you always said you never wanted to be like your dad, so why are you following in his footsteps?!"
He jumped to his feet, and screamed at her. "Don't talk about my fucking dad that way!"
She breathed deep to try and calm down, and dropped her gaze. "Please just listen…"

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend,
Somewhere along in the bitterness.
And I would have stayed up with you all night,
Had I known how to save a life.

"Please, just get help. Try rehab, a therapist, anything that can get you out of this spiral!"
"No. I'm not going to some quack that's going to throw prescriptions at me until something works, and I'm not fucking detoxing. I'm doing fine on my own."
"You're going to kill yourself if you keep up this pace!"
"I'll be lucky to make it to 30 and you know it!"
She couldn't hold back her tears any more, and she choked out "Please, please don't talk like that. If you just stopped this…"
"Don't preach about shit you don't know!"
"Let me see your arms."
"What? No!"
She grabbed at his wrists, and he pulled back. "Just let me see! If it's nothing, then why are you pulling away from me? Just show me!"
"I'm not fucking doing that, don't you trust me?"
"Just show me."
"Fucking coward."
"Fine! It's fucking pathetic my own fucking girlfriend doesn't even know what my bare arms look like…" He pulled up the sleeves of his shirt to reveal the puncture marks that ran across his veins.

Let him know that you know best,
'Cause after all you do know best.
Try to slip past his defense,
Without granting innocence.
Lay down a list of what is wrong.
The things you've told him all along.
Pray to god he hears you.
And I pray to god he hears you and,

"I know there's more. And I haven't seen your arms because you haven't spent the night here in almost 3 months!"
"Fuck this! Fine! So what if I'm shooting up! Big fucking deal."
"Please, you aren't the man I love anymore… You're a monster."
"Oh, I'm the monster!? Self-medicating doesn't make me a monster! You listened to your divorced mother's relationship advice that turned you into the world's biggest bitch! You're the fucking monster here!"
"Don't say that, you'll regret it later." She tried to remain calm, and not cry again. When she cried, she couldn't think properly, and that would give him the upper hand.
"I seriously doubt I will." His tone cut like a knife, she had never heard him sound so cruel and apathetic. "You're a worthless bitch, and I couldn't give a flying fuck what happens to you."
Her knees finally gave out, and she crumpled to the ground, sobbing. "Please, you don't mean this, please stop."
"How do you know what I mean, you don't even know me anymore!"
"I know you better than anyone, and I know you don't mean that." She struggled to catch her breath, and calm down. "I know you better than anyone, and I know that you're a different person than the man I fell in love with. Right now, you have two choices." She took a deep breath, and hiccuped slightly. "You can keep up your self-medicating, and continue your spiral downwards. If that's your choice, you can do it alone. I refuse to be dragged down with you."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
She took another deep breath. "It means that if you don't go seek professional help, I'm leaving you."

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend,
Somewhere along in the bitterness.
And I would have stayed up with you all night,
Had I known how to save a life.

"Is there someone else?!"
"No, there has never been anyone other than you." Her voice trembled.
"FUCK!" He screamed, and threw his chair across the room. "You and your fucking ultimatums!"
"I have no other choice." She closed my eyes, and braced herself against the coming storm.
"I know there's someone else! Tell me who!!"
"Don't you fucking go there; you know I would never cheat on you."
"Well you also said you loved me, but if you really loved me you would never have dragged me into this shitty discussion in the first place!"
She couldn't take it any more, and fled into the bedroom as he punched the wall in anger.

As he begins to raise his voice,
You lower yours and grant him one last choice.
"Drive until you lose the road,
Or break with the ones you've followed."
He will do one of two things.
He will admit to everything,
Or he'll say he's just not the same,
And you'll begin to wonder why you came.

She was lying awake in their bed, when she saw his silhouette in the doorway.
"I'm so sorry baby. I'll get help first thing tomorrow, if it will make you happy."
She smiled, and held up her arms to him. She heard a sigh of relief, and he made his way to the bed. It was dark, and he stumbled once or twice.
"Careful, love. The room's a little messy."
He lay down next to her, and gathered her into his arms. "I love you, and I'm sorry about everything that I said today."
She smiled, and turned so that their bodies were parallel. She kissed him, and murmured "It's alright, I forgive you."
He kissed her back, deeply, drawing her in close to him.

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend,
Somewhere along in the bitterness.
And I would have stayed up with you all night,
Had I known how to save a life.

Afterward, she lay there, her body entwined with his, hoping that he had meant what he said about seeking help. She couldn't live with the person he had become much longer. She pushed back thoughts that he was just manipulating her, that this was another manic episode. He had seemed so sincere this time, and she desperately wanted to believe him. She breathed deep, and settled herself against him, and letting her eyelids finally close.

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend,
Somewhere along in the bitterness.
And I would have stayed up with you all night,
Had I known how to save a life.
How to save a life.
How to save a life.

The early-morning rays of light peeping from around the curtain woke her up much earlier than usual. The blankets had been pushed to the foot of the bed, and she reached towards his side in an attempt to find heat, but his side was cold. She groggily rubbed the traces of sleep from her eyes, and looked around for the room for him. He was nowhere to be found.
"Ugh, I need to pee."
She made her way to the bathroom, and saw him. His lips were tinged with an unnatural blue, his skin was too pale, and he was lying too still.
"Oh, God, please, no!" she whispered and dropped next to the prone form.
He was so cold. She desperately tried to find a pulse, but it was useless. He was gone.
"Please, no, no, no!" She collapsed against his chest, and sobbed. This was the most painful thing she had ever experienced; she didn't know what to do.
She pried herself away from the lifeless body, and fumbled for a phone, and called 911. As she explained what she had found, she saw the empty bottle of pills from her surgery next to the sink. Open on the opposite counter was an empty bottle of vodka.

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend,
Somewhere along in the bitterness.
And I would have stayed up with you all night,
Had I known how to save a life.

She couldn't move. She willed herself to pick up her feet, and walk forward, but it was as if she was moving through water. The driving rain mingled with her tears, but she could still taste their salty sweetness.
She stood there, staring at the mound of fresh earth. No one had listened to her protests that he'd wanted to be cremated; this would have pissed him off so much.
So much had come to light after his death. He'd been having an affair for several months, and she'd shown up to the funeral. His parents fawned over her, and his sister had said that he was going to leave her the day after she'd talked to him. All the what-ifs and might've-beens were constantly running through her head.

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend,
Somewhere along in the bitterness.
And I would have stayed up with you all night,
Had I known how to save a life.
How to save a life.
How to save a life.

What did I do wrong? Did I drive him to this? What if I'd woken up sooner?
All these questions where driving her mad. She tried to move again, and failed.
I wish I'd known what I could have done.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Stroke of Luck

My doctor doesn't think I'm pregnant, but there's most likely an outlying issue with my lack of menstrual cycle. This is a good thing, because not only am I 19 and barely able to take care of myself, but the issues with the one who would've been the father and our families is not something any child should be brought into.

I've been friends with this young man since I was 12. Our relationship has been a constant series of ups and downs, largely due to our own personal issues imploding. I know him better than most people, and vice versa. Its an emotionally codependent relationship, but at least for now we seem to have found a nice balance. Between the two of us, we've dealt with substance abuse, depression, suicide attempts, self-mutilation, abusive parents, and then the issues that our romantic relationship brought on, mainly emotional abuse.

He was like the Titanic, seemingly fine but upon any closer look very structurally unstable. The catalyst, the metaphorical iceberg, was his grandfather's death at the beginning of our romantic relationship. Unfortunately I was the 1500 people who died in the wreck. Being the closest person to him emotionally, combined with our personalities and his way of dealing with personal issues, when he spiraled downwards emotionally he dragged me down with him. I was no saint either, I was 16/17, very immature, and unable to emotionally deal with everything that was going on.

I still have residual issues from what happened. However, he and I have resolved our relationship. We've become friends again, are working through what happened between us, and have an occasional sexual relationship. The biggest issue now, is our families.

We're this emotionally fucked up for a reason. Each of our families is on the more extreme end of dysfunctional. The issues that would've risen from a child of him and I would be catastrophic. Mostly because I don't believe that I could get an abortion. What I would do from there, I'd have no idea. Luckily, I don't have to make that choice.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Wake Me Up When September Ends

So I'm either pregnant or I have an ovarian cyst. The first is infinitely worse than the latter, but both are very negative possibilities. This month has been full of bad luck for me. It began with a rear-end collision. A girl thought I'd already made a left turn, and accelerated into the back of my van. I was put on painkillers for the whiplash, and the other party's insurance is covering mine and my friend's (who was in the car with me) medical bills. Then, I discovered I had a kidney infection from an asymptomatic UTI. Extremely painful, and laid me up for days. As if that wasn't bad enough, I then got sick on top of that. Heightened sensitivity + debilitating kidney pain = nightmare. The good thing in all this was that my boss was understanding, and let me take it easy. The worst part was the combination of antibiotics and painkillers made me incredibly nauseous. I was unable to eat solid foods for about 2 weeks. It's also possible that I'm pregnant and that contributed to the nausea. But who knows. I'm going to the doctor soon, and hopefully that will produce an answer.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

When It Rains, It Pours

It seems like everything is hitting the fan at once. My relationship with my father, whose house I live at, is quickly disintegrating. My relationship with my mother has long since dissolved. There was a serious miscalculation in trying to progress things with the guy I like. My life-line is out of town. And to top it all off I was rear-ended pretty badly yesterday. I'm suffering from whiplash, and it's very likely that my van is totaled.

After I got off work today I went upstairs to lay down because my back/neck/head were killing me. My room and van have gotten pretty messy lately, and apparently today my dad decided to have a meltdown over it. I wish I could move out, but not only do I not make enough money, I don't have anyone to live with.

Right now I really just want this year to be over with.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Anger and agony are better than misery

My best friend is 6 hours away, and a small exchange of texts is the most contact I've had with her in almost 2 weeks. I really miss her. Its such a small thing with today's technology to be so far away from a friend, but I really miss her.

Monday, August 17, 2009


I enjoy observing people, despite United States culture generally irritating me. I specifically find fringe and subcultures within developed societies, sexual behaviors, and comparing/contrasting human and other primate behavior.

While watching "The Woman in the Tunnel" episode of Bones (my favorite show) I heard a good quote by the character Brennan that provides a good quote that explains my attraction to these cultural groups.

"Every society has its fringe dwellers and every society fears it's fringe dwellers. Usually because they are the example of what happens when you fail in that society."

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Go home, and get stoned

I visited some friends at the university I used to attend this week. It was both fun and depressing. I chose to drop due to my horrible grades, and now am going to miss these people like crazy.

While there I tried hydrocodone with weed and alcohol. It was the most amazingly intense and terrifying experience I've had up to this point.

My good friend who tried suicide twice with "alcopills" was freaked out. He seemed worried about me, but hasn't shown any concern past this revelation to him.

Friday, August 7, 2009

An Introduction

I guess the best thing to do in my first blog post is to introduce myself and my reasons for this blog.

I am a 19 year old biological anthropology student. My favorite colors are green and purple, my favorite animal is a wolf. I'm around 5'2", 180, and have green eyes and brown hair. My ears, belly button, and right nostril are pierced. I currently have no tattoos but I am hoping to change that. I love animals, cooking, and drawing. I hate heights, spiders, and escalators. I drink, have sex, and smoke pot.

My reason for creating this blog is out of sheer boredom. I had to drop out of 4 year university due to horrible grades, and only work 4 days a week. Due to my lack of a specific social group my personal life is somewhat limited.

It's not that I lack friends, I have a close group of friends that I've had since elementary school. However, I don't entirely fit in with their friends and as an introvert have a hard time making friends outside of them.

I'm not sad enough to be emo, angry enough to be goth, well-behaved enough to be a "good girl", hot enough to be a "sorority girl", or do enough drugs/drink enough to be a part of the party crowd. Despite many claims otherwise, these social groups (and others) do exist outside of high school. It's in human nature to exist in groups of similar people, and in a society as large as ours we've created our own.

I've always felt like I never fully belonged, and I'm quite content with this. The friends I have are amazing people, and I wouldn't trade them for the world. However, they all have fairly extensive lives I don't entirely feel comfortable participating in when I'm invited.

One of my friends, Michelle, and I have grown apart more as we get older. I think her boyfriend is scum, and she disagrees with my previously mentioned habits. Her friends, while nice are too straight laced. They will all most likely marry within their own type and live dull suburban lives until their children put them into retirement homes. I once pulled out a lighter at a gathering of these people, and they acted extremely shocked at the idea that I would carry one with me, like I was a drug user or worse, a smoker. While they are entertaining to be around from time to time, they're so vanilla it almost sickens me.

While part of me craves stability and structure, actually having it drives me insane. Right now, I have a job, am signed up for community college, and have a stable group of friends. By all logical reasoning I should be content with this, but I feel like a wolf pacing back and forth in a too small cage.

As I've said, I love my friends. But even the most flighty and artistic among them is content with the life that is currently driving me over the edge.