Thursday, July 29, 2010

Breaking Inside

In case my previous posts haven't revealed it, I've been in a really awful place lately.

I can't truly make amends for my past mistakes, so I keep suffering for them... He will never truly forgive me, and everything just keeps coming back to haunt me...

Really the two things holding me on are my job and my animals. My guinea pigs are amazing, Vivien is sitting my my lap as I write this. And I'm getting a bunny soon. Having something small and furry that loves you and just wants to cuddle and eat makes things bearable... Since a baby would be an awful idea right now..

There's also my job. I'm a restaurant hostess, and I love it. I get to not think about ANYTHING other than my job for hours. Its such a relief...

And I realized something the other day.. I can't feel that Earth-stopping moment, when everything but him ceases to exist, when I know, not just assume, that he's in love with someone else. We had a long talk about his girlfriend, and hearing him talk about her made it all real... But I guess it's a good thing... Even if it hurts me, its less drama on him.. And he doesn't need that..

Friday, July 23, 2010


isn't thinking you have nothing to live for; it's knowing you should feel differently and not being able to.

I've been thinking about getting an Exacto-Knife, walking into the middle of the woods, calling 911, then slitting my wrists...

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Never too late?

I don't want to kill myself so much as... encourage my death to come sooner.

Monday, July 19, 2010

And out of left field...

I've been hanging out with one of his friends on the weekends. The friend is a very chill guy, wonderfully dry sense of humor, and fun to just chill with. And... I am starting to develop feelings for the friend. Wtf... I don't even understand myself. This whole thing is too fucking weird. This guy, he's pretty straight-laced. No drinking, no drugs. None of that. But I have a good time hanging out with him.. I dunno. Its bad when your emotions are confusing even to you.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


So in the past couple days:
-Almost ODed
-Found out on of my friends from hockey is missing and presumed dead off the Oregon coast
-Have to go to a deposition against a very frightening man and his experienced attorney, alone
-Verbally duking it out with my idiot mother over how much money I owe her
-Snapped at by "him" when calling for help
-Completely fucking broke, as in paying for gas with coins
-Haven't slept more than 4 hours continuously
-Probable strep throat

Hey, Life? Yeah, fuck you too.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

I Try to Live Without You, Everytime I Do I Feel Dead

I'm taking a break from him, and falling back into an old habit. Snorting Percocet is delicious. I love how the bitter taste fades into almost a sickly sweet taste. My pupils are tiny and I feel delightfully numb to the fact that as I type this, he's with the one he truly loves and will probably marry. I have 30 mg of oxycodone/1950 mg of acetaminophen that I can snort, swallow, or parachute over the next couple of days. Sober, I feel physically sick that on this of all weekends they're together, and that while he's my best friend I can't be happy for him. That's part of the reason I don't want to talk to him for a while. He deserves a best friend who could actually go to his wedding, and be happy for him when a relationship succeeds, rather than when it fails. I'm a horrible person for wishing that... Unbelievably selfish...

Why this weekend? Because 5 years ago tomorrow was when he told me he wanted to be with me forever. Now, it just serves as a constant reminder of how much I fucked everything up. How I treated him so horribly, when he was already trying to deal with his grandfather's death, that he can never feel that way about me again. Why would he want to? I'm a horrible, selfish person. I'd rather he be with me than be happy with someone else. I've been trying to improve myself for him, and just in general, but now I think he's better off without me, rather than the other way around. I mean, I slept with someone he hated just to try to hurt him. I flaunt my drug use, smoking, and excessive drinking to try to get his attention. Then when I don't get it, I get angry at him. I mean, goddamn... I wouldn't want to be with me either. She seems so much better for him... And it kills me to think about...

Last Thursday, we had sex for what I wanted to be the last time. If he's in love with her, I want him to be happy with her. Immediately after, as in the second after he came, I started bawling and continued sobbing until Sunday night. I hooked up with my Vancouver guy, and it wasn't nearly the same. Good, but not the same.. It's the difference between striking a match and a fireworks show.

Then, my dad went out of town Tuesday, so he came over to keep me company. I ended up getting trashed and we had sex again. It was amazing... Fireworks put that to shame...

But only I feel them when we're together.. He only feels them with her. It tears me up inside to think about...

I can't be a good friend when I'm in love with him... I really want him to be happy with her..