I'm taking a break from him, and falling back into an old habit. Snorting Percocet is delicious. I love how the bitter taste fades into almost a sickly sweet taste. My pupils are tiny and I feel delightfully numb to the fact that as I type this, he's with the one he truly loves and will probably marry. I have 30 mg of oxycodone/1950 mg of acetaminophen that I can snort, swallow, or parachute over the next couple of days. Sober, I feel physically sick that on this of all weekends they're together, and that while he's my best friend I can't be happy for him. That's part of the reason I don't want to talk to him for a while. He deserves a best friend who could actually go to his wedding, and be happy for him when a relationship succeeds, rather than when it fails. I'm a horrible person for wishing that... Unbelievably selfish...
Why this weekend? Because 5 years ago tomorrow was when he told me he wanted to be with me forever. Now, it just serves as a constant reminder of how much I fucked everything up. How I treated him so horribly, when he was already trying to deal with his grandfather's death, that he can never feel that way about me again. Why would he want to? I'm a horrible, selfish person. I'd rather he be with me than be happy with someone else. I've been trying to improve myself for him, and just in general, but now I think he's better off without me, rather than the other way around. I mean, I slept with someone he hated just to try to hurt him. I flaunt my drug use, smoking, and excessive drinking to try to get his attention. Then when I don't get it, I get angry at him. I mean, goddamn... I wouldn't want to be with me either. She seems so much better for him... And it kills me to think about...
Last Thursday, we had sex for what I wanted to be the last time. If he's in love with her, I want him to be happy with her. Immediately after, as in the second after he came, I started bawling and continued sobbing until Sunday night. I hooked up with my Vancouver guy, and it wasn't nearly the same. Good, but not the same.. It's the difference between striking a match and a fireworks show.
Then, my dad went out of town Tuesday, so he came over to keep me company. I ended up getting trashed and we had sex again. It was amazing... Fireworks put that to shame...
But only I feel them when we're together.. He only feels them with her. It tears me up inside to think about...
I can't be a good friend when I'm in love with him... I really want him to be happy with her..
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